Mending bridges with my son.

This year has been a tough year between one of my son and I. I have been feeling increasingly frustrated and angry at him and his behaviour. Not knowing why is he becoming increasingly 'difficult' or why am I being so impatient with him. I vaguely recall this happening with my eldest a few years back. When it felt like it was so hard to show love to him.

Just recently I finally see a light and came to a new realisation.

Just about a month and a half back, it was PSLE oral exam day and the other kids in school were given a day off with home based learning. I always took these rarely non schooling days to bring them out and do something fun. It was Friday and our Nature play co-op day, and so we all went. We had a wonderful day at the forest and I came back and shared with my husband how my boy took charge and took on a an active role in building a dam on the waterfall. He was so engaged, focused, purposeful and driven! So different from all of the comments we hear from his school teachers and so different from his behaviour at home when asked to revise his work or do homework.

My husband thought about it and said we should seriously do something about it. This is thw first time I hear him comment in such urgent and serious tone.

And so I reflected...

Putting myself in my son's shoes... this is his day: He wakes up crying in the morning at 6:30am, dragging his feet to get ready, whines and gets hurried and chased, threatened to be left behind if he does not hurry as it's late and his brother doesnt want to be late for school and his father for work. The light in the morning hurts his eyes and there is always a battle in the morning to turn the light off. He leaves the house in tears and runs after his dad and bro with a heavy bag of 5plus kg(we always joked to be a bag of rice)... in fear of being left behind. Not willing to say any morning prayer, and request all music to be turned off. He falls back to sleep in that short 15mins drive to school and wakes up sleepy and walks into school almost as if he has forgotten what happened half an hour earlier.

He then spends the next 6-7hours in school. He has only 30mins recess at about 9plus and a 10mins Take ten snack break at 12plus. The rest of the 5-6 hours are spent in class, mostly on the desk and asked to be quiet and pay attention.

He comes home happily, finally looking forward to relax in the comfort of his home, watch some YouTube or tv with his favourite home cooked lunch. Being 7 hours away from home, he wishes to share some stories of his day with me... but I unknowingly... brushes him off, telling him to have a quick lunch and start his homework... following that practice piano and go for tuition....

After tuition he comes back tired and is then hurried off to get his dinner and finish up his homework, learn his spelling, get ready for bed. Most days no more time for reading.. a quick prayer and sleep.... Most of the time, he doesn't fall asleep fast, comes out from his room an hr or so later to says he is hungry, I tell him strictly no, he has to go back to sleep as he will wake up crying if he doesnt get enough sleep. He can wake up and have his breakfast. He starts tearing and says he is hungry... and cries himself to sleep.

Little did I know that..  His whining and crying in the mornings are not because he did not get enough sleep or he does not sleep early but it's his body is rejecting something that he is not looking forward to. On the weekends, he would wake up by himself early, happily and cook himself and everyone the family breakfast regardless of what time he slept the night before.

If you ask him why he cries in the morning on school days, he says dont know. And if you ask him if he likes school, he says yes. It's scary to think that he doesnt really recall or remember what happened. It has reached inside and affected him. I then prompted him further... they dont even know if they really like school actually or maybe because they are accustomed to that being the accepted norm. Everyone goes to school. It should be good and fun. Yes there are occasional fun and engaging things at school but it comes as a reward of hard work. Play is often disassociated with learning. Exam time=No play. Almost like Play is a dirty word! And so I am guilty of saying sentences like "stop playing, go do your work".

Unseen stress and pressure to meet the expectations.

Now I am seeing all these symptoms as an effect of psychological stress that I, the school system, the teachers, the society has placed on a young 9 year old.

I feel so sorry for him and for what I have done towards him. I opened up to a new friend about my feelings and in our conversations, she made me come to realisation that my frustration with the system has turned into frustration with my own son.

Our relationship was not good. I did not feel happy with him or his actions. I felt I was just pushing him around and he was not being cooperative. He was also angry with me when I punish him. Everytime I see him doing nothing on the couch or reading Archie... I get really anxious and stop it and hurry them to do what they need to do that day... only when they all go to bed that I find myself happy and at peace. I got so angry that i confiscated all their Archie comics and hide it. For many years now I can't bring myself to read any Archie as it is something that slows my job down as a mom, it delays and distracts my kids from listening to me and I can't get my work done in time. I hated it.

After reflecting, I decided I needed to step back... give him some space, let him take initiative. Be really patient with him and think about his good qualities. He is a very sensitive boy, cares a lot for me and for others, loves his brothers and always think of them, it touches me to see him carry and make little games with baby. I use to ask him what he wants or should do when he comes back from school. I was expecting him to say what was in the checklist...shower, eat lunch quick... homework first...etc.. but he says.. : spend time with baby.

It stuck me... actually... why the rush?? Why am I pushing him? Isn't spending time with baby and wanting to spend time with baby more important than finishing homework fast?

He is not slow or lazy.. He is just not motivated to do what he has no choice in. Or interest in. He is so overloaded with knowledge that i think he is sick of studying. But learning shouldnt be done this way. It should be fun and engaging to the spirit. He is tired physically mentally and spiritually.

He can focus and concentrate when he is motivated and when he chooses to do so.

Today..., he chose to sit next to me. He didn't want to go to the theatre show and just spent time with me in the room. For the first time, we shared his favourite comic, he read the few pages of the Archie to me.