Raising 4 Boys!

Hi, I am Shirin. I have four kids. And all boys!

Normally people react to this with a jaw dropping reaction. 4 kids? And 4 boys??? OMG!! They somehow say that with some sympanthy.

Actually I am a happy mother of 4 boys! I  haven't given much of a serious thought of the 4 part or the boys part actually. We sort of just took it as it came and we dont know better. When I was blessed with the first. Ok.. a boy. Then 2 years later.. he got a brother- ok, a buddy to play with. Then 5 years later another brother.oh well it's ok.. as long as he is healthy.... and another 5 years later another one.. yes still ok as long as he is healthy! God has plans for me.

And actually I don't know what goes on in people's mind when they come to know that I have 4 kids.. all boys? For the 4 kids part.. I understand... not many have 4 kids as it's a lot of work, time and lot more money involve. But along with it comes lots of love and adventure too. I always wonder why 4 boys makes it 'worst'?

I don't feel the difference between having a girl or a boy.. but maybe because I don't know better. I grew up in a family with 3 brothers, and I have 4 of my own boys.. so basically I am surrounded by boys. There are physically differences and general age developmental difference. But some difference are not because of their gender difference but they are just unique individuals. All four of my boys are different.

I think maybe when people think of boys they think... wild, rowdy, hyper active, noisy, rough, clumsy, messy, dirty, and prone to injury- because they are active and not very coordinated... I don't know. Just maybe. But i never grew up with this perception as my brothers are... well very different individuals with different character and likings.
Some perception of boys: "Boys speak and read slower" One of my brother and my eldest son both spoke early and read at an early age.

"Boys are rough and rowdy." I am not boasting but surprisingly my boys aren't. Lookiny back, maybe it's not by chance they are not.. but the way we parent them. I never treated them any different if they were a boy or girl. I do not like gender related believes and socially accepted norms  'pink is for girls, blue is for boys'. One of boys love pink colour until he went to preschool and he learnt that boys should not love pink. I brought them up the way I know best. I see them as unique noble beings with unique talents and character,  each endowed with latent virtues.

We pray daily for ourselves and for others, cultivating virtues of reverence, gratitude, respect, selflessness. Reading daily- calm quiet activity cultivating peace, striving to acquire knowledge, love for reading and learning. Creating an environment where they are able to help themselves so they become indepedent. I show them how everything is done and let them do it. It may take longer at first and additional work when they spill things and break things...etc, but years later it pays off. This is montessori way of doing it. Allowing them to feed themselves, wear their own clothes, shoes, they develop dexterity. Clean up after themselves, they learn responsibility. Making a simple snack or meal they learn how to take care of themselves. They become very purposeful, confident and individuals with good sense of self esteem. Treating them with dignity, asking them for their opinion and permission for things and not making the decision in their absence.

I teach them and expose them to everything they need to know not limiting to those girl related things.  I showed them and taught them how to be gentle and treat them with respect. ( ok.. I am human too.. there are days I will lose my patience and become momster!) But generally I strive to be calm. They cook, clean, wash dishes, hang clothes, sew, paint, do origami and now latest.. they carry and calm baby and put them to sleep. I am so touched when that happens.

Yes they can be noisy and playful, they argue and fight but never with fist. They climb jump run... but not all boys are active. One of my boys love his time reading and sitting quietly in a corner. He prefers books and rubics cube to jumping about.

They are gentle, can be quiet, can concentrate on things that interest them. They are respectful, peaceful, purposeful independent individuals.

So I guess its a perception we need to change about boys. If we believe boys are rowdy... They become rowdy.. because we treat them like they are.  Believe they are gentle.. and they are.

It will take a long time for this perception to change. Hopefully my boys will be the first to change the way boys are perceived.

Nature Play Co-op Homschool Singapore- Sharing at the Play-ful Conference.

I was honoured to speak at the Play-ful Conference on behalf of our Nature-Play Co-op about what we do at the weekly Friday nature meet-ups. I felt great to be able to contribute to the community and to have someone recognize our efforts is truly rewarding. Here is sharing my speech/notes.

A sharing by Nature Play Co-op Singapore Homeschool by Shirin Tan 13^th October 2018

Introduction

Thank you for the introduction. Firstly, I am honoured to be asked to take a seat here at this conference. When I started homeschooling my son last year, I was looking for a way to meet other homeschooling families. My initial goal was just to get out of the house and meet people. Both me and my son love the parks so I asked on the facebook homeschool group if anyone would like to meet in a park & I found few others and one of them was Sonica- my partner in our current nature co-op group now.

We started this nature play last July. We had about 2 to 3 families meeting every Friday mornings for about 3 hours. Basically there’s no agenda or program planned, just explore parks and observe life in nature and allow play to happen spontaneously. Beginning of this year, we received more interest from parents by word of mouth and to date we have about 130 members on our facebook group and about 8-10 families come every week for the nature play.

My initial goal was achieved, but along with it came so many other wonderful outcomes.

Both Sonica and me felt it was important for the kids to connect with nature, somehow being immersed in nature makes you feel grounded… literally. I needed it not only because we live on the 12^th floor.  I feel there’s certain humility when we are out there in the wild with the big tall trees, the changing weathers, and just things that are not of our control. To be able to let go and be at one with nature is very liberating.

Let Go: So the first lesson for me as a parent and also for all the parents who joined our nature play is to let go. To allow the kids to get dirty in the mud, to get wet in the rivers, to play in the rain, to dig into the clay and sand. It was a challenge for me because as a mom I am suppose to keep them clean and don’t let them fall sick. But once I started letting go, I saw my son started to step up and become more confident. I am letting go but he knows I am still there when he needs me. This reassure him and allow him to grow and move forward.

Observe and be patient: 2^nd lesson is observe and be patient. To learn to take a step back and allow the kids to come up with their own solutions, to allow them to argue and work it through, to not be so quick to jump in and make decisions for them. They can actually find ways to make it work when we give them more time.

Child-Led: We followed the pace of the child kept it as free as possible, giving enough time to explore things that interest them. As long as the kids don’t hurt themselves or anyone else.

Acceptance: Often we have parents who ask what if their child is not ready to get dirty or he doesn’t want to play with the rest? We have a great respect for each child’s readiness, we acknowledge and accept their fears or dislikes and gently encourage them when they are ready to join. And parents sometimes have to take the lead and be calm and connect with nature, let go of any expectations. When the parents don’t insist on them, they take their time and many eventually start to warm up and let go of their inhibitions and start to join in.

To lead by example: As much as possible, the adult lead by being in awe of nature, respectful and reverend. This spirit is contagious.

Friendship & Socialization: A big part of this group is the bonding, friendship that are formed. One of the mom feedback saying when she joined the group, she feels that everyone is watching each other’s back. Both kids and adult. One of the question for a homeschooling parents is how do they kids socialize? Here we have a wonderful environment for that. Given the freedom to play & get messy and assurance of parents being there for them, the kids went ahead to explore and get familiar with the parks / the forest. We have a wide age group of kids who come. More often than not when met with an obstacle for example a rock to climb, the older one naturally are sensitive to the the capabilities of the younger ones. They will lend a hand to the little one, but they seem to respect the abilities of the younger and know when to help and when not too.  The little ones on the other hand have the older ones to look up to. There’s a certain respect and trust in this relationship. Making it uniquely strong.

Nature is dynamic and it’s always changing. There’s no 2 days that are the same, and no 2 kids are the same. That’s what makes it great! We don’t know what we will see, what animal, what plant, what we will learn, what we will discover and create.

Examples of Play: What kind of play you may ask… they are many but I will just mention one that is more recent. We found some clay along the river and some of them started to play with the clay and made dams at the waterfall. This simple play turned out to be something complex! At the social level, there was communication, there were delegation of task of mining for the resource and building. There was also a great lesson of science where they learnt that if the water behind the dam started to gather potential energy and when the energy built up the dam got pushed over. They then made holes in the dam to release the pressure. Engineering and science at work. They had to discuss and work out the solutions. I saw engaged and motivated kids, working together with the same goal. No competition, no reward to motivate them to learn. The learning that occurs is very authentic. Not forced upon. Result motivated, learners. And imagine the satisfaction in the children, the sense of achievement.  I overheard my son said: “I want to stay here forever!”

Here is a space to be free. Free to be yourself, free from judgement, free from expectations. We discover new things, we learn, we get to know the place, get to know each other, get to know ourselves.

These weekly meet up is personally the highlight of our week. Not only because Tyler is becoming more independent, more sociable, resilient and learning to persevere to the end, but for me I am re-learning how to learn, how to teach, how to guide, how to observe, how to wonder, how to stand back and allow learning to occur. In all, we are learning about life, about human relationship, about nature. Getting our feet soaked in mud, walking in the sandy river, climbing the rough rocks in the hot sun, walking in the rain and getting drench from head to toe... these seemingly discomfort is the secret to finding happiness. In muddy feet I felt humility, in wet sandy river and waterfall I found peace, in climbing rocks in heat, I persevered. This is what I found... But to the children.... I believe they found more. It's not what they have learnt or remembered. It becomes part of who they are and what they can achieve.