Mending bridges with my son.

This year has been a tough year between one of my son and I. I have been feeling increasingly frustrated and angry at him and his behaviour. Not knowing why is he becoming increasingly 'difficult' or why am I being so impatient with him. I vaguely recall this happening with my eldest a few years back. When it felt like it was so hard to show love to him.

Just recently I finally see a light and came to a new realisation.

Just about a month and a half back, it was PSLE oral exam day and the other kids in school were given a day off with home based learning. I always took these rarely non schooling days to bring them out and do something fun. It was Friday and our Nature play co-op day, and so we all went. We had a wonderful day at the forest and I came back and shared with my husband how my boy took charge and took on a an active role in building a dam on the waterfall. He was so engaged, focused, purposeful and driven! So different from all of the comments we hear from his school teachers and so different from his behaviour at home when asked to revise his work or do homework.

My husband thought about it and said we should seriously do something about it. This is thw first time I hear him comment in such urgent and serious tone.

And so I reflected...

Putting myself in my son's shoes... this is his day: He wakes up crying in the morning at 6:30am, dragging his feet to get ready, whines and gets hurried and chased, threatened to be left behind if he does not hurry as it's late and his brother doesnt want to be late for school and his father for work. The light in the morning hurts his eyes and there is always a battle in the morning to turn the light off. He leaves the house in tears and runs after his dad and bro with a heavy bag of 5plus kg(we always joked to be a bag of rice)... in fear of being left behind. Not willing to say any morning prayer, and request all music to be turned off. He falls back to sleep in that short 15mins drive to school and wakes up sleepy and walks into school almost as if he has forgotten what happened half an hour earlier.

He then spends the next 6-7hours in school. He has only 30mins recess at about 9plus and a 10mins Take ten snack break at 12plus. The rest of the 5-6 hours are spent in class, mostly on the desk and asked to be quiet and pay attention.

He comes home happily, finally looking forward to relax in the comfort of his home, watch some YouTube or tv with his favourite home cooked lunch. Being 7 hours away from home, he wishes to share some stories of his day with me... but I unknowingly... brushes him off, telling him to have a quick lunch and start his homework... following that practice piano and go for tuition....

After tuition he comes back tired and is then hurried off to get his dinner and finish up his homework, learn his spelling, get ready for bed. Most days no more time for reading.. a quick prayer and sleep.... Most of the time, he doesn't fall asleep fast, comes out from his room an hr or so later to says he is hungry, I tell him strictly no, he has to go back to sleep as he will wake up crying if he doesnt get enough sleep. He can wake up and have his breakfast. He starts tearing and says he is hungry... and cries himself to sleep.

Little did I know that..  His whining and crying in the mornings are not because he did not get enough sleep or he does not sleep early but it's his body is rejecting something that he is not looking forward to. On the weekends, he would wake up by himself early, happily and cook himself and everyone the family breakfast regardless of what time he slept the night before.

If you ask him why he cries in the morning on school days, he says dont know. And if you ask him if he likes school, he says yes. It's scary to think that he doesnt really recall or remember what happened. It has reached inside and affected him. I then prompted him further... they dont even know if they really like school actually or maybe because they are accustomed to that being the accepted norm. Everyone goes to school. It should be good and fun. Yes there are occasional fun and engaging things at school but it comes as a reward of hard work. Play is often disassociated with learning. Exam time=No play. Almost like Play is a dirty word! And so I am guilty of saying sentences like "stop playing, go do your work".

Unseen stress and pressure to meet the expectations.

Now I am seeing all these symptoms as an effect of psychological stress that I, the school system, the teachers, the society has placed on a young 9 year old.

I feel so sorry for him and for what I have done towards him. I opened up to a new friend about my feelings and in our conversations, she made me come to realisation that my frustration with the system has turned into frustration with my own son.

Our relationship was not good. I did not feel happy with him or his actions. I felt I was just pushing him around and he was not being cooperative. He was also angry with me when I punish him. Everytime I see him doing nothing on the couch or reading Archie... I get really anxious and stop it and hurry them to do what they need to do that day... only when they all go to bed that I find myself happy and at peace. I got so angry that i confiscated all their Archie comics and hide it. For many years now I can't bring myself to read any Archie as it is something that slows my job down as a mom, it delays and distracts my kids from listening to me and I can't get my work done in time. I hated it.

After reflecting, I decided I needed to step back... give him some space, let him take initiative. Be really patient with him and think about his good qualities. He is a very sensitive boy, cares a lot for me and for others, loves his brothers and always think of them, it touches me to see him carry and make little games with baby. I use to ask him what he wants or should do when he comes back from school. I was expecting him to say what was in the checklist...shower, eat lunch quick... homework first...etc.. but he says.. : spend time with baby.

It stuck me... actually... why the rush?? Why am I pushing him? Isn't spending time with baby and wanting to spend time with baby more important than finishing homework fast?

He is not slow or lazy.. He is just not motivated to do what he has no choice in. Or interest in. He is so overloaded with knowledge that i think he is sick of studying. But learning shouldnt be done this way. It should be fun and engaging to the spirit. He is tired physically mentally and spiritually.

He can focus and concentrate when he is motivated and when he chooses to do so.

Today..., he chose to sit next to me. He didn't want to go to the theatre show and just spent time with me in the room. For the first time, we shared his favourite comic, he read the few pages of the Archie to me.

Raising 4 Boys!

Hi, I am Shirin. I have four kids. And all boys!

Normally people react to this with a jaw dropping reaction. 4 kids? And 4 boys??? OMG!! They somehow say that with some sympanthy.

Actually I am a happy mother of 4 boys! I  haven't given much of a serious thought of the 4 part or the boys part actually. We sort of just took it as it came and we dont know better. When I was blessed with the first. Ok.. a boy. Then 2 years later.. he got a brother- ok, a buddy to play with. Then 5 years later another brother.oh well it's ok.. as long as he is healthy.... and another 5 years later another one.. yes still ok as long as he is healthy! God has plans for me.

And actually I don't know what goes on in people's mind when they come to know that I have 4 kids.. all boys? For the 4 kids part.. I understand... not many have 4 kids as it's a lot of work, time and lot more money involve. But along with it comes lots of love and adventure too. I always wonder why 4 boys makes it 'worst'?

I don't feel the difference between having a girl or a boy.. but maybe because I don't know better. I grew up in a family with 3 brothers, and I have 4 of my own boys.. so basically I am surrounded by boys. There are physically differences and general age developmental difference. But some difference are not because of their gender difference but they are just unique individuals. All four of my boys are different.

I think maybe when people think of boys they think... wild, rowdy, hyper active, noisy, rough, clumsy, messy, dirty, and prone to injury- because they are active and not very coordinated... I don't know. Just maybe. But i never grew up with this perception as my brothers are... well very different individuals with different character and likings.
Some perception of boys: "Boys speak and read slower" One of my brother and my eldest son both spoke early and read at an early age.

"Boys are rough and rowdy." I am not boasting but surprisingly my boys aren't. Lookiny back, maybe it's not by chance they are not.. but the way we parent them. I never treated them any different if they were a boy or girl. I do not like gender related believes and socially accepted norms  'pink is for girls, blue is for boys'. One of boys love pink colour until he went to preschool and he learnt that boys should not love pink. I brought them up the way I know best. I see them as unique noble beings with unique talents and character,  each endowed with latent virtues.

We pray daily for ourselves and for others, cultivating virtues of reverence, gratitude, respect, selflessness. Reading daily- calm quiet activity cultivating peace, striving to acquire knowledge, love for reading and learning. Creating an environment where they are able to help themselves so they become indepedent. I show them how everything is done and let them do it. It may take longer at first and additional work when they spill things and break things...etc, but years later it pays off. This is montessori way of doing it. Allowing them to feed themselves, wear their own clothes, shoes, they develop dexterity. Clean up after themselves, they learn responsibility. Making a simple snack or meal they learn how to take care of themselves. They become very purposeful, confident and individuals with good sense of self esteem. Treating them with dignity, asking them for their opinion and permission for things and not making the decision in their absence.

I teach them and expose them to everything they need to know not limiting to those girl related things.  I showed them and taught them how to be gentle and treat them with respect. ( ok.. I am human too.. there are days I will lose my patience and become momster!) But generally I strive to be calm. They cook, clean, wash dishes, hang clothes, sew, paint, do origami and now latest.. they carry and calm baby and put them to sleep. I am so touched when that happens.

Yes they can be noisy and playful, they argue and fight but never with fist. They climb jump run... but not all boys are active. One of my boys love his time reading and sitting quietly in a corner. He prefers books and rubics cube to jumping about.

They are gentle, can be quiet, can concentrate on things that interest them. They are respectful, peaceful, purposeful independent individuals.

So I guess its a perception we need to change about boys. If we believe boys are rowdy... They become rowdy.. because we treat them like they are.  Believe they are gentle.. and they are.

It will take a long time for this perception to change. Hopefully my boys will be the first to change the way boys are perceived.

Nature Play Co-op Homschool Singapore- Sharing at the Play-ful Conference.

I was honoured to speak at the Play-ful Conference on behalf of our Nature-Play Co-op about what we do at the weekly Friday nature meet-ups. I felt great to be able to contribute to the community and to have someone recognize our efforts is truly rewarding. Here is sharing my speech/notes.

A sharing by Nature Play Co-op Singapore Homeschool by Shirin Tan 13^th October 2018

Introduction

Thank you for the introduction. Firstly, I am honoured to be asked to take a seat here at this conference. When I started homeschooling my son last year, I was looking for a way to meet other homeschooling families. My initial goal was just to get out of the house and meet people. Both me and my son love the parks so I asked on the facebook homeschool group if anyone would like to meet in a park & I found few others and one of them was Sonica- my partner in our current nature co-op group now.

We started this nature play last July. We had about 2 to 3 families meeting every Friday mornings for about 3 hours. Basically there’s no agenda or program planned, just explore parks and observe life in nature and allow play to happen spontaneously. Beginning of this year, we received more interest from parents by word of mouth and to date we have about 130 members on our facebook group and about 8-10 families come every week for the nature play.

My initial goal was achieved, but along with it came so many other wonderful outcomes.

Both Sonica and me felt it was important for the kids to connect with nature, somehow being immersed in nature makes you feel grounded… literally. I needed it not only because we live on the 12^th floor.  I feel there’s certain humility when we are out there in the wild with the big tall trees, the changing weathers, and just things that are not of our control. To be able to let go and be at one with nature is very liberating.

Let Go: So the first lesson for me as a parent and also for all the parents who joined our nature play is to let go. To allow the kids to get dirty in the mud, to get wet in the rivers, to play in the rain, to dig into the clay and sand. It was a challenge for me because as a mom I am suppose to keep them clean and don’t let them fall sick. But once I started letting go, I saw my son started to step up and become more confident. I am letting go but he knows I am still there when he needs me. This reassure him and allow him to grow and move forward.

Observe and be patient: 2^nd lesson is observe and be patient. To learn to take a step back and allow the kids to come up with their own solutions, to allow them to argue and work it through, to not be so quick to jump in and make decisions for them. They can actually find ways to make it work when we give them more time.

Child-Led: We followed the pace of the child kept it as free as possible, giving enough time to explore things that interest them. As long as the kids don’t hurt themselves or anyone else.

Acceptance: Often we have parents who ask what if their child is not ready to get dirty or he doesn’t want to play with the rest? We have a great respect for each child’s readiness, we acknowledge and accept their fears or dislikes and gently encourage them when they are ready to join. And parents sometimes have to take the lead and be calm and connect with nature, let go of any expectations. When the parents don’t insist on them, they take their time and many eventually start to warm up and let go of their inhibitions and start to join in.

To lead by example: As much as possible, the adult lead by being in awe of nature, respectful and reverend. This spirit is contagious.

Friendship & Socialization: A big part of this group is the bonding, friendship that are formed. One of the mom feedback saying when she joined the group, she feels that everyone is watching each other’s back. Both kids and adult. One of the question for a homeschooling parents is how do they kids socialize? Here we have a wonderful environment for that. Given the freedom to play & get messy and assurance of parents being there for them, the kids went ahead to explore and get familiar with the parks / the forest. We have a wide age group of kids who come. More often than not when met with an obstacle for example a rock to climb, the older one naturally are sensitive to the the capabilities of the younger ones. They will lend a hand to the little one, but they seem to respect the abilities of the younger and know when to help and when not too.  The little ones on the other hand have the older ones to look up to. There’s a certain respect and trust in this relationship. Making it uniquely strong.

Nature is dynamic and it’s always changing. There’s no 2 days that are the same, and no 2 kids are the same. That’s what makes it great! We don’t know what we will see, what animal, what plant, what we will learn, what we will discover and create.

Examples of Play: What kind of play you may ask… they are many but I will just mention one that is more recent. We found some clay along the river and some of them started to play with the clay and made dams at the waterfall. This simple play turned out to be something complex! At the social level, there was communication, there were delegation of task of mining for the resource and building. There was also a great lesson of science where they learnt that if the water behind the dam started to gather potential energy and when the energy built up the dam got pushed over. They then made holes in the dam to release the pressure. Engineering and science at work. They had to discuss and work out the solutions. I saw engaged and motivated kids, working together with the same goal. No competition, no reward to motivate them to learn. The learning that occurs is very authentic. Not forced upon. Result motivated, learners. And imagine the satisfaction in the children, the sense of achievement.  I overheard my son said: “I want to stay here forever!”

Here is a space to be free. Free to be yourself, free from judgement, free from expectations. We discover new things, we learn, we get to know the place, get to know each other, get to know ourselves.

These weekly meet up is personally the highlight of our week. Not only because Tyler is becoming more independent, more sociable, resilient and learning to persevere to the end, but for me I am re-learning how to learn, how to teach, how to guide, how to observe, how to wonder, how to stand back and allow learning to occur. In all, we are learning about life, about human relationship, about nature. Getting our feet soaked in mud, walking in the sandy river, climbing the rough rocks in the hot sun, walking in the rain and getting drench from head to toe... these seemingly discomfort is the secret to finding happiness. In muddy feet I felt humility, in wet sandy river and waterfall I found peace, in climbing rocks in heat, I persevered. This is what I found... But to the children.... I believe they found more. It's not what they have learnt or remembered. It becomes part of who they are and what they can achieve.

Journey in cloth diaper-ing. Part 1

I used the traditional nappies - lampin, for my previous 3 babies, but never really went into cloth diapering proper. I bought 3 pocket diapers before and just use them once in a while. My nanny had a great idea of emptying the contents of disposable tape diapers and use the shell as covers for nappies. Brilliant DIY cloth diapering! I wish I have a photo to show, but I don't do it now.  That was cheap and works for a few washes before the disposable shell disintegrate. The nappies on the other hand was good for one wetting and needs to be change very often. So it's quite a bit of work.

So.. now for baby number 4 I decided to give it a plunge again. Got some really cute preloved US -PeachyGreen newborn shells from a dear homeschool mommy but I couldn't find inserts of that size, and newborn days were so busy and hectic that I didn't cloth diaper much. When Travis turned 2 months and pooed less often, I thought it was good to start some cloth diapering. Disposable were also getting pricey and really harmful for the environment too.

 I asked my friend who passed me the Cloth Diaper (CD for short) covers where can I get the soakers and she introduce me to join a Cloth Diaper Facebook group. hmmm there's such a group? Cloth diapering has changed so much since I had my babies, so much to learn. One of the cloth diapering moms kindly opened her home to show us her stash of cloth diapers and answer our questions. So I went. I was introduced to the Cloth Diaper language- AIO, AI2, Shells, Inserts, Soakers, Striping and Santising? Wash Routine? so many new terms... and the fabrics used are so different now, Bamboo, Hemp, Minky, Microfibre... super absorbent and I also realised super expensive.

So... my plan was to get some preloved covers and cheap new soakers/inserts to start off as the thought of using preloved soakers felt a bit gross and unhygienic. But I did change my mind about that (read on). At the cloth diaper meet up, one of the moms were selling her preloved Grovia shells, what I heard was $15 for 3, wow, seem like a good price. But I heard it wrongly, it was $15 for one. Still they look pretty new and in good condition so I  decided to get 2 just to try it out.

That's how I got my first 2 preloved Grovia Shells.
Grovia - A US brand, selling locally at about $28+ for one Hybrid Shell and $28+ for 2 soakers.

I never like velcro as I fell it's too sharp for babies, just in case it scratches against his skin. But this Grovia ones are Hook and Lock system, slightly different from a velcro, not as sharp, and it locks onto the felt at the top of the CD, you can adjust it to the right fit.

At the meet up I was also introduced to Baby Beehinds soakers (an Australian brand), which fits my newborn shells nicely.

In search for preloved stuff, I found some on Carousell, $64 for 4 fairly new Grovia shells (free 4 more well loved + 14 Grovia Soakers!) Wow.. good deal. I have no issues with preloved shells, but soakers... I posted on the fb group to ask about this and they show me a strip and sanitise procedure to disinfect and get rid of any build up in the soakers.

But the process on the chart is so complicated and we cant find many of the products ( Borax..etc) here in Singapore, so this is what I did. I soaked the soakers in diluted bleach. ( Well suppose to be half hour max, but I read wrongly and soaked them for 4 hours!) I then rinse out the bleach and wash them in the washing machine with TIDE washing detergent, the best detergent for Cloth Diapers. And then I soaked them in hot water for half hour, spin dry the soaker in the washing machine and dry them in the sun.

If you are new to cloth diapers, check out this site: http://www.fluffloveuniversity.com/ Yes need to go back to University to learn all this stuff. Amazing, I now know a lot more about detergent, how washing detergent works, how fabric traps dirt brighteners. Whole science behind washing, cloth diapering..etc.. wow.

Here is more info on the Striping routine.
http://www.fluffloveuniversity.com/troubleshooting/solving-stinky-diaper-problems/how-to-strip-your-cloth-diapers/

Last Saturday while shopping in the local wet market, I came across a stall selling towels and handkerchief. I looked around and found cloth that looks like nappies, but the size were too small. I then saw a 100% cotton face towel. it looks comfortable, absorbent and its 3 for $10. So I bought 3 to experiment. Fold into half then thirds you get a prefold soaker- or was it flats, oh well you get what I mean.

Soo.....

If I have gotten brand new
Grovia Hybrid Shells 10 -  $28 x 10 = $280
Grovia Soakers 14 - $28 x 7= $196
Total = $476

I got the above for a total of $30+$64 = $94 ( Saving of $382)
Baby Beehind Soakers x 2 = $18
TIDE 1.2L detergent from Redmart $9.90
Face Towel to be used as soakers 3 for $10
Nappy Liner 2 box of 100 for about $10

Total Damage = $141.90

Will update more on how it goes. :)