*Deep breathe*.... Well it's not easy for me to write this. "I'm angry!"
Earlier today, Tristan didn't eat his snack in school, came back home and deliberately ate chocolate when I repeatedly told him it's for after his lunch!
At dinner time, he refuses to eat his rice and kept asking to eat his Kinderjoy-chocolate!
( I don't normally buy chocolate but we just came back from Shane's birthday and got a bag of goodies. He can eat them as long as he eat some dinner.) So there was a big drama, throwing tantrum and crying at dinner. At last he ate some dinner and had his dessert. I haven't got angry till this point...
But... I couldn't keep my cool for long... I just burst out with Tristan for not listening to instructions and waiting in bed while I get his milk. He was talking loudly and making noises, walking around and jumping on the bed AND woke his brother from his sleep!! Trevor is still recovering from runny nose and it's difficult for him to get to sleep with stuffy nose. This pushed the button!
I took his hand and slap his palm real hard.. he started crying...
I feel really terrible. I'm angry with myself for getting angry with him... I have been angry many many times for an extended period of time. I really need to stop being angry!
I looked online and found this...
When Moms Get Angry - Anger management tips for moms
When you get angry with your children
Greene's Release-Why you get angry with your child & what you can do about it
Answers-yahoo: How do you cope when you get angry with your kids?
A Video by Dr. Arnold Nerenberg of The Nerenberg Graduate Institute.
I read up on the above and realised this hit me: "Angry responses may be a familiar strategy, or something quite new and surprising – people often say their anger heightened after the birth of a child, starting a new job, death of a family member, or some other life change."
I realised that there's just so many changes in my life in the past 2 months that I need time to rejuvenate and to recover from. Which I never got the time to do it... All the emotions built up over time...
1. We moved out from my in-laws and to our new home... had to dealt with leaving them and setting up and managing our own home.
2. My close aunt passed away from cancer after a 5 year long fight. This happened very quickly, didnt expect her to go so soon... She was still walking and talking and planning for her holidays a few weeks before her death. I kept feeling sorry and guilty that I never visited her enough in the last few weeks... and for not calling her enough... But I'm happy that I made it there at the hospital and held her hands, said prayers with her till her hands turned cold and the pulse machine beeped... This was the first time someone so close to me has passed on. I'm happy that she's gone to a better place, but miss her terribly. It was an emotional roller coaster for me... I had to be strong for my kids, my grandmother and for my aunt to go peacefully. I didnt have time to greive... or to forgive myself for the regrets I have... I guess it takes time and prayers will heal.
3. Chris got a new job... with this comes changes with routine. He use to work odd hours gets weekdays off and this meant that he could take care of paying the bills, sending cars for servicing...etc.. But now that he is on 5day week and weekend off, I have to take over all this. And whinthin the last month, my car broke down twice and it costed me a fortune to repair it. But then again, with this new schedule, he's timing is more predictable and he gets weekend off to spend with us. Just need time to get use to this change.
4. Financially... We used up our savings to set up the new home and with the car break down and repairs... and everything else cause a bit of strain on our finances. Hope in months to come, we can start up our savings again.
5. Both kids sick for past 2 weeks with high fever and flu... sleepless nights for me, grumpy kids, super fussy eater....etc...
All this plus I still need to manage my business and prepare for Kindermusik classes..
Oh well... I guess all these was enough for me to burst out in anger. I'm writing this blog because I just need to write down and clear my thoughts. Not saying that I have a reason to get angry... but I just lost control of my emotions.
I really don't know how exactly I can step out of this rage towards my kids and family.... ( my innocent victims... *sign*...) but I'm going to take things step by step and take deep breaths before I do want to break out again. I pray everything will heal and I pray for forgiveness.
Please share with me if you have similar experiences.